Linking you to resources and support in the lung cancer community!
Just lost my Dad last week.
After a brief battle with Stage IV Lung Cancer, my Dad passed last week. There are five of us kids and my mother, and the grief is unbearable. I can't concentrate, I can't hold a decent conversation without losing my thoughts, I can't get back into the groove of work, it's so terribly sad. I go through all the stages of grief, sometimes within the same hour. What a horrible, horrible way to die - I swear I want to lecture anyone that I see smoking (but I don't). God help my son if I ever see him pick up a cigarette. Note to anyone caring for someone at final stages of death, do not be afraid to get them into a medicated coma, get hospice in there - they are so knowledgeable, caring and helpful. And if someone is recently diagnosed, go to the big hospitals right away with the latest protocols and research like a John Hopkins, Georgetown type - fight for the best, don't settle for the mom and pop hospitals. They are nice and convenient but most don't have a dedicated lung cancer unit where the entire staff (of over 100) only work with lung cancer patients. Get chummy with the nurses, they can be your lifeline of information. I found so many "angels" that have helped us through this process.
I cannot tell you how much my Dad influenced my life, in every way. He was was a gentle, kind soul who motivated (without pushing) me since I was a little girl, not to let my gender ever stop me from doing what I wanted in life. He was taking me to his office in Manhattan when I was only 8 and point out the women engineers (this was in the 70's). He was bringing his daughter to work day, before it was en vogue. He was a very special man and has left a huge void in my life as well as others. My goodness, he was 80 and we had over 300 attendees to the funeral and wake - I don't think I would have that many people at 46! My Dad never saw a physician until March of this year, if he had regular physicals, they may have caught this in time to treat - I'll never know (this would be the "angry stage"). I love you Dad and I'm banking on seeing you again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Niti/MOD on -
So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband in 2007 and here are some of the things I learned.
As you mention grieving is a process. You will have good and bad days. You will think you are fine and then have a day when the loss is staggering. But it does get easier. Let no one tell you how or when you should grieve.
For me the things that were hardest were not birthdays, our anniversary or holidays. It was a look a song, a situation that came from no where and just floored me. My husband's birthday is not hard for me, but often a man with gray hair in a tux will reduce me to tears.
Get used to the fact that you will cry. Often at a time and place not of your choosing and not under your control. This will make people around you uncomfortable but you cannot worry about that. For a time either switch to waterproof mascara or stop wearing it - it's just easier.
Talk about your father. He may be gone but his memory lives on in you. If pictures on display comfort you, then leave them out. If you need to put them away for a while, fine too.
And finally I found great comfort in something a mother who lost her child in the PanAm crash over Lockerbie Scotland said, "it never hurts less, but it does hurt less often." It turns out she was right.
Best,
Niti
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Permalink Reply by Jackie P on -
Thank you Niti. I completely agree with you. It's the random things, usually a song, a pretty sunset, a group of geese flying by - those are the things that remind me of Dad. And yes, I stopped wearing mascara two weeks ago. Thank you so much your words of comfort and I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.
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Permalink Reply by AmyLCA on -
Hi Jackie,
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like your dad was an incredibly inspiring and loving person. What a lucky family you are!
I know that the memories right now are related to the end of his life, which stinks, but they will give way to the good memories in time. I remember for the first year or so after my mom died, I would have what I call "flashbacks" to moments from the end of her life.It was hard. I didn't want to think about those things. And I was angry that I was remembering her in a way that I did not want to remember her. But over time, those hard memories subsided and the good memories came back.
Just like Niti said, it hurts less often. My mom was 59 when she died in 2003. She still influences my life, and your dad will continue to as well, even if he isn't with you physically.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Amy
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Permalink Reply by Jackie P on
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Thank you Amy. You described it exactly. I keep having those "flashbacks". It's the second week now and it's still unbelievable to me. Can't believe this really happened. Sorry for the loss of your mom and I appreciate you reaching out - it really does help.
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Permalink Reply by TinaY on -
I am sorry to hear about your dad, I completly understand what you are going thru I lost my mom on Dec 6th. I too struggle daily to keep my thoughts together. It's all so over whelming but since she past I have realized how lucky we were, she didn't suffer at all and was up & going until the Sat before she went unresponsive. I only had to watch her for 2 days lay in bed and not be able to do anything for herself. My mom was a fighter till the end. The preacher made me realize that my mom LIVED with cancer. I will forever miss my best friend. I have to focus on the gifts that she gave me as a child & an adult. She taught me to be stronge, independant and a go getter. I never knew I would feel this lost, but I am proud of the fight my mother had & I will continue to honor her memory. She was 59 years old. To younge in my book. I hope you will find some peace & know if you ever need anything please dont hestitate to say so. We are walking the same path & it's easier to get somewhere if you have someone to lean on. God Bless.
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Permalink Reply by mekbride on -
Jackie, it DOES get better. I lost my dad to LC in 1990 and my mom while going thru my first bout of chemo in 2006. Both died within six months of diagnosis. I'm celebrating six years. So each time I'm reminded ... which is every time I have anything to do with LC ... I try to focus on the six years and the fact that they passed early to help give me additional time. What ever it takes, right?
Hugs,
mekbride
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