Linking you to resources and support in the lung cancer community!
Need some guidance
My dad has been told he has stage four lung cancer almost 2 years ago. I live in North Carolina, and he lives in New York. I have quit my job put my things in storage and have come up to New York to help him. Now in the past two months he has become very mean, very abusive and plain out just unbearable. I have been told I have the patience of a Saint but I gotta tell ya my sanity is at risk here. He refuses to do anything for himself at all. Including get up to go to the bathroom. He now feels it is okay to use a urinal. All nurses and therapists tell him to walk to avoid blood clots. Now he is accusing my brother and myself of abusing him. (which breaks our hearts) Any suggestions would be helpful.
Sincerely, Hurting
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Niti/MOD on -
So sorry to hear about your father and sorry to hear that he is taking it so hard. I've heard similar accusations and know that it is of NO comfort when people tell you how patient you are or, my favorite, "you know they only say these things to the ones they love."
For your father to be angry, bitter, scared, depressed, or all of the above would not be unusual. He's dealing with some major life issues. Additionally one of the hidden side effects of cancer is the loss of control of one's life. Your father may feel that his life has been taken over. You as a caregiver may come to embody his illness. It is an easy segue from "cancer won't let me whatever" to Michelle won't let me whatever." All of this could be a casue/explanation for his behavior.
It sounds as if you and your brother are in agreement. That is good. My suggestion would be for the two of you to go your father's oncologist, explain the situation and ask him for help. He should be able to direct you to what is know as a psycho-social oncologist (usually a PhD phsychologist) who can help your father with his issues. In my case, we had the same problem, the counseling sessions (for my husband, for me and for us) and the anti-depressants were life-savers. Within weeks I had my husband back.
The oncologist should not resist any of this because it sounds as if your father's mental state has begun to affect his physical state. Not moving and blood clots may pose an even more immediate threat to his health than the cancer. Just as his cancer must be treated so must the other conditions be treated.
Hope this helps. Please keep us posted.
Best to you,
Niti
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Permalink Reply by GADawg/MOD on -
As usual, Niti is right on the mark. I don't know if your Dad has metastases to the brain or when his last scans were, but I would suggest checking that out as well. I know in my mom's case, her brain tumors have at times caused her to act out, lose the ability to filter what she says, increase her mood swings, etc. When my mom starts acting differently (i.e. confused more than usual, angrier more than usual, etc.), there have been times when a new brain tumor was discovered shortly after. I'm not trying to scare you but it's just something I would check out if you haven't already.
Early on in her diagnosis, my mom also kind of "gave up." She wouldn't do physical therapy no matter what her doctors said or how weak she became, she wouldn't eat right, etc. I tried the "tough love" approach with her- telling her I wouldn't help her if she didn't help herself, etc. and none of it worked. It just made us both feel bad. Fortunately, she's usually not all that angry and when she is, I'm not usually the brunt of it, but I have been before. I'm usually on the receiving end of heart-wrenching guilt-filled statements. Now I just try to accept her moods for what they are and try to "ride it out." That advice probably won't help you much, but it's what I do. Let us know how things are going!
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Permalink Reply by Whatwillidowithallthis on -
With the mental status changes, I would be thinking about a declining status and perhaps a correlating change in prognosis. Have you discussed with his doctor a possible referral for hospice care? Hospice staff are skilled at revising medications to accommodate mental/emotional changes. Also, their psychosocial staff are prepared to address grief issues...his and yours. At the very least they could probably determine if his mood changes are related to mets or a grief reaction; which would probably help you in revising your coping skills. Good luck; it sounds like it's time for you to get an update and detailed information about what you can expect from this point on. I'm sure it's been, and will continue to be, hard for you all.
Please be sure to use all the supports that are available to you. With all you've done and sacrificed up til now, I'm sure you want to be able to find the strength to carry you through.
My heart is with you folks,
Victoria Daniels Smith (Tori)
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Permalink Reply by TinaB on -
I can only reply in part. The one I love is stage 2, not stage 4. Funny thing is he too lives in NY while I still live in NC. As of today, he is refusing treatment. He is going about his daily life as if the cancer isn't real. His daily life now no longer includes me. He will not call or text. So while I feel your pain, the only advice I have is to be thankful. The stuff he is not doing may be frustrating, but you have the time to share with him.
I am happy to pray for you and your family
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Permalink Reply by AmyLCA on -
Hi Michelle,
It has been a while since you posted about your dad. How are things going?
Best wishes,
Amy
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Permalink Reply by Diana48 on
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I agree with Niti, you need to find out if there is a social worker on staff where your father is treated that could help him and you. You might need someone outside the family to speak too and maybe it is time hospic be called in to give you some breaks.
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Permalink Reply by TinaY on -
I know exactly what you are going thru, I live in AL and my mother lives in MO. She too has become very mean, i can't do anything right and she doesnt have a filter on her mouth so some things are quite embarrassing.I stayed with her for 2 months when I had enough I went home for a break. My sister stepped in to help at that point but we knew it can't be any length of time, so we both do 2 weeks at a time & my dad steps in to break up any tension. It is very hard to not take things they say personal. First you and your brother need to stick together thru this. You will need somone to lean on when you are at your wits end. Thats all i have come up with considering I'm dealing with the same situation. I don't want to hurt my moms feelings eithers so I havent come up with a clear solution. Good Luck to you
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